"pre-holiday activities are the foreplay of christmas.  naturally, christmas cards are your first duty and you must send one (with a personal, handwritten message) to every single person you ever met, no matter how briefly.  if this common courtesy is not reciprocated, never speak to the person again.  keep computerized records of violators and hold the grudge forever; don't even attend their funeral.

- John Waters

WHORANGE hero john waters embodies the true spirit of christmas like no other.  st. john once mailed a plastic cockroach inside of a glass ornament to his friends and loved ones for the holidays (click here to see it), and in 2006, he graced his christmas card with a genuine baltimore police department mug shot.

dear readers, i will go to shameful, and perhaps illegal, lengths to get onto st. john's christmas card list.  just name the deed and i'll do it.

to me, john waters is more iconic than santa claus.  every december, i read his devoted essay "why i love christmas" and listen to his yuletide anthology "a john waters christmas," which includes festive, feel-good tunes such as "here comes fatty claus" and "santa claus is a black man."  i've also attended his traveling, one-man christmas show -- twice.

therefore, i hereby declare john waters an honorary WHORANGE hero and the inspiration for today's $100 or less holiday gift guide.  a tip of the tiara to you, st. john!

{above image:  1. gothic side plate set (28.00);  2. vladmaster fear & trembling viewmaster reels (20.00);  3. trophy hangers (50.00);  4. harry allen bestow hand hook (75.00);  5. gold rabbit's foot keychain (45.00); 6. falcon pillow (54.60);  7. gold knuckles mug (98.00);  8. little joseph baby head candle holder (100.00);  9. baby hand soaps (17.00);  10. good book flask holder (29.99);  11. vintage record snack tray (28.00);  12.  leather + birch flyswatter (28.00); 13. pig bank in white (95.00);  14. boxing grannies (19.00).}